….another bad dream

I was dreaming about having to go to an event in Tyler. (I have to speak tonight). I was gathering together items that were going to be used in our “booth”…like a balloons, and a helium tank. And there was another item, but I forget what that was. I remember asking this person and that person if they could join me. No was the answer because they usually had plans. I asked Jesse, and he said to ask Brandi because there was some dinner her aunt had invited them all to. I was speaking with Brandi on the phone at one point, and in the drive way at the next. I began to feel left out and lonely. And, it was as though I heard her say out loud she was wanting to prove her love for Jesse. That wasn’t upsetting, though.

My being upset (or hurt), was from being left out on purpose..as though I was in the way, or not a part of the picture. I do not have an overwhelming desire to be part of everything. Not at all. It’s the idea that I don’t fit in anywhere I thought I did that overwhelms me. I had a hard time trusting myself when I first changed course and stopped using drugs. It’s a process. I know, bottom line, I have to be happy within, love myself, before I can truly love others. Its happening, slowly but surely. I can step outside of a situation, look at how I am allowing it to affect me…realize it only has that power by my giving that power to it…and I look to God for my strength, love, and happiness. In the big scheme of things, its all little stuff down here..and I will be okay as long as I remember, God loves me, too.