Saturday morning May 15, 2010

Good morning. I slept pretty good and then I awoke with a mild head-ache. I am supposing it was from my body desiring that first cup of coffee.  Hmm, I just realized, too, that last night I didn’t have a cup of coffee (I normally enjoy coffee when I am at meetings). Maybe this is why I feel a little mild headache, eh? Shoot, I did not want to really get up this early but I did because that feeling was more powerful then the desire to stay in bed a little longer. (enjoying my first cup of coffee while sitting here) Last evening, I wrote about my room-mate moving. I had told my friend Jesse about this and my fears, and I also asked him if he’d consider being a room-mate.  He said he did not think it would be a good idea to put our friendship through that. I understand. He went onto say his long-term desire is to move back in with Brandi and the boys.  That part, I understand but do not wholly agree with.   There is a reason why he and Brandi are not together right now, but I choose not to go into that right here, right now because it is a personal situation of their recovery and their lives. Anyway, as for the changes about to unfold in my personal home life..I will be okay. I will adjust. I have no problem being alone. I have God in my life and I have my Deejay-isn’t she sweet? Deejay

My fears and concerns, I suppose, are financially based. That, and also, my accountability to life, to myself, to God, to others. I have made some not so wise decisions in the past, I admit that. I am learning to live life on life terms-on a daily basis. I have insidious ideas roll through my head of people from my past coming back into my life. Hey, strange things like that occur. I have just re-connected with someone from my past via this Internet (with Face-book and the Blog-spot).  Why did I go there?  It is not that I want to re-live that former life. I do not. I guess I just wanted to touch base, see if they were okay, and let them know I was okay.  I re-connected with my first love in college. Sure, deep inside, there are feelings of “what if” and I look back and remember why things didn’t work out..what was my part, their part, our part and life in general. And, I accept life where it is today and that that was life then and there. This all occurs in a matter of seconds as I read an email or a connection via the Internet. Then, another re-connection occurred again recently with a person I was deeply involved with in my past (that was more recently-instead of 30 years ago, this was 8 years ago). This relationship was not so innocent, though. When I became involved with him, I was on a path of mixed emotions (the whole gambit from love to hate). It involved sex and drugs.  And, when sex was added to drugs (or vice-versa), I ventured into a whole other world of emotional turmoil.  So, there I went and  recently re-connected online here with him, too. Needless to say, I can sense  the  connection to that chapter of my life  and where I am today in recovery (seeing as how its  so recent -in 2002). And, yeah, I have my concerns about this re-connection. Why did I even go there? Its not about him, but about me. Why did I even desire to find people like him from my past? I am not bored in my life today. I am content. Maybe I have a desire to let them know that?    Maybe I wanted closure?  I do not know. I’d venture to say all chapters of my life are connected, though. If I truly examined what was going on 30 years ago, I’d see even then how my character was developing and the direction  in life I was headed. (I am speaking of the path to addiction) That is what doing the Steps in recovery is all about…connecting the dots to your life so that you can have clarity. I don’t know. (and, today, I can say “I don’t know” and be okay with that). Later.