May 14, 2010 mid-day

Well, this is interesting. I think I do like this technique of using Windows Live before actually posting to my blog.  I am home now from my morning classes at the Olympic Center. I went to Body Sculpt at 8:30 and then Prime-timers at 10am. Now, I am home to pick up my meditation books and go to lunch and read at the Yellow Rose. I will probably stop by the USPS to re-new the HOB box rental for Bill since it is due. Jimmy (my tenant) told me on the phone this morning that he and Leslie are fighting. Apparently, she drove home drunk last night and used all his gas in the vehicle.  He doesn’t seem to realize that he presents the same problem to her and their family when he drinks, too. It is true, that it is easier to see in others than it is in one’s self. I am just grateful to not be participating in that lifestyle of drinking and drugging today. I know, I am only a drink or dose away (taken however one can because believe me, I have).  They say that this addiction is a disease I will have the rest of my life. I am not going to debate or wrestle with that issue at all. I accept this fact..I have gone too far into the use of drugs (and alcohol is included as a drug, I have learned)..and, because of my going too far down that road, I suffered the consequences. The most sever of consequences were the loss of my freedom and the spiritual death (lack of a relationship with God).  It is a terrible place to be, that point right before one takes that first step of admission..hopelessness. To not care about life or one’s own self, and not desire anything but to not feel the misery, pain and depression..so one throws dope on themselves –only to run out of stuff and find their misery has returned, and then some.  A vicious cycle.  It wasn’t until I had been away from that life for several months (because of the State of Texas) that I began to realize how much I detested and hated that life.  To realize that all I had to do was open my heart to God and ask for help was a process that took several days. I started understanding this in prison. I remember the transition that went on in me- I used to hang with others talking about that life in drugs and how I did this or that..to where I literally caught myself in mid-conversation with others and said, you know what, I cannot talk about this, this is why I am here in prison, and I hate being here in prison.  This, I believe, was when and where my attitude towards drugs truly began to take a different direction. I still did not have  a clue where I’d be going or how I was going to leave the drug world, but I knew in my heart I was willing to try something different.  I have to go now. I will get back with you later.

ps. Jimmy and Leslie just stopped by to pay their rent..of course, they are not fighting. Nothing better than passionate making up after a fight, eh?